Into the Abyss…..

She stands before the mirror,
Gazing into the mystery of her own body,
Years of growing, years of torment,
A fight against herself,
The mirror reflecting reality,
But yet, she sees through herself,
And into the depths of the perfect figure.

The mirror before her is like a window,
Which she sees through,
Her beauty drains from her body,
The strength dissolves into the abyss,
Self destruction, dreams, and ambitions lost,
Through the ugliness to being beautiful,
The uncontrollable desire to be perfect.

Through her obsession,
She loses grip on her sanity,
Reality disappears,
Her image never fulfilled,
She remains in the depths of sadness, and pain,
Unclear she struggles to survive her own battle,
The war against herself.

Written 1992….

Reflection by me….Even though considerable time has past since I wrote this poem about my despair in trying to find me, the perfect person, my thoughts when I look in the mirror today have not changed. I still dread the image that looks back at me, unhappy with who I am, unhappy with the way I look. I wonder if my image of myself will ever change. It appears despite being loved by my soul mate, and my little boy, I still remain locked in this despair, punishing myself for who I am.

Friendship…..

We talk about friendship,
As something so special,
Something we keep,
They say it is the happiness,
The path to a wonderful future,
But to me friendship,
Is the pain that consumes my body,
The anger that takes over me,
It is the mistrust making me look over my shoulder,
It is the barriers that are built,
That build a wall that block my way.

They say friendship,
Is a special kind of love,
Creating sunshine that warms the heart,
People say friendship,
Shows the best in people,
It is so easy to create,
But twice hard to regain,
It is meant to last forever,
But it has taken me away,
I am no longer the person I used to be.

It is this friendship that everyone talks about,
That causes everything to go wrong,
Nothing will be right any longer,
There is too much pain and hurt,
It is the darkening shadows,
That friendship causes,
No matter how important it may seem,
It always means so little,
When everything goes wrong,
And you need a friend to stand by you no matter what.

Loneliness……

The essence of my life,
The character of my being,
The answer to my sadness.

Loneliness is so unbearable,
So much agony inside,
It steals from me everything I cherish.

This feeling is dominant,
Its a laceration to my heart,
The nightmare of my life.

Loneliness has taken my personality,
It has taken my ability to be me,
Loneliness has stolen from me, myself.

It is a feeling with me all the time,
It grows more every day,
It is ruining who I am,
Destroying my personality,
It forces me to lose my way,
I am drowned by these feelings,
Loneliness shrouds my everything.

Written 8 May, 1993

Reflection by me….. If I was a stranger reading this poem, I would instantly feel the authors pain, want to console her, help her through this pain. But I am not a stranger reading this, I am reading what I have written many years ago. How does someone so young, in their teens, the years that are meant to be the best of your life, grow up in such a horrible place, such a lonely place. This is not how being a child, being a teenager should be, people should be able to see this pain, and respond to it in a positive way. Nobody should have to live in darkness, where there is the ability for light, nobody should have open wounds when there is the healing, nobody should feel alone in a world filled with people.

My heart…..

My heart,
Represents a waterfall,
That holds all my feelings,
The water which falls,
Little droplets which fall,
Crashing to the bottom,
So do my tears,
Tears which show,
Fears from my heart,
The difference,
The water flows on after it’s decent,
But what is broken in my heart, stays,
The droplets float away,
Away to a different peaceful place,
Feelings in my heart,
Fears that cannot escape,
Tears showing my feelings,
Built up inside,
Never let go,
Growing deep inside my heart,
Never letting go,
Growing deep inside my heart,
Eating away at me,
My confidence,
My personality,
My life,
Breaking apart the reality,
My heart is shattered,
Me, I am alone,
My heart is forever broken.

Written December, 1992

Reflection by me….Once a heart, a personality, a life becomes so broken, can it ever truly heal, can our confidence ever really heal or do wait for something else to knock us down. How often do we get back up after we have been knocked down and broken? At what point does our body and mind say “that’s enough”, and gives in to defeat.

Her Evil Place……

In a place,
Faraway,
Lives a girl,
Locked away,
Her heart and mind,
Broken and battered,
Fading away,
In a dark evil place.

Nobody she can turn too,
Except the problems in her life,
All forgotten,
In her place of evil hindrance,
Of forgotten memories,
Everything filled with sadness.

Left by friends,
Forgotten by family,
Nobody cares,
A life of endless nightmares,
All about betrayal,
Filled with hatred, and heartache,
A soul filled with sorrow.

Written in 1991

Reflection by me…. I was so terribly alone at such a young age, so sad, and hurt. How does this happen when you are surrounded by parents, siblings, friends, teachers, and other adults in your life? Are troubled people, like me, so invisible that a hand to help can’t be given? I worry for the teenagers growing up now – it is such a lonely world. I hope that parents can learn from the mistakes of our past, can learn the importance of starting the conversation in order to reach their teenagers and bring them back from any dark places that they are reaching or are already there. You can learn more on how to get the conversation started at R U OK? Day.

Locked Away…..

So small and sensitive,
A place of my own,
A key to a cage,
Storing my heart,
Protecting me from pain,
Locked away in a faraway place.

Nobody to help,
To reach this place,
I have a key,
But there’s nobody there,
To open my heart,
To see my feelings.

The place is at the end,
Of a long and dreary path,
Hard and bumpy,
To my faraway place,
Everyone hurts me,
And the place becomes much further,
Forever locked away.

Written in 1991

Reflection by me….It is hard to believe that something written over 20 years ago can be so relevant to what my life became, and at times still is. Seeing how much I was hurting back then, I can only wonder what my life would have become if people saw the signs, and I was treated as I should have been. My soul mate has the key to the cage where my heart is stored, he has managed to unlock it, and let himself into my heart and my life, but that key soon locks the door when I am away from my soul mate dealing with life, reality on my own.

Freedom of the Heart…..

Freedom of the heart,
Refreshing of my soul,
All things which surround me,
Friendships everlasting….no,
My heart, pain, and breaking.

Friends and family,
Of love and of hurt,
Of loneliness and of dreams,
All that has left me,
Hurting deep inside me.

The heart,
Which is hurting inside me,
Is breaking the person,
Which I am.

Down a path, can’t go back,
All the way, a bumpy endless track,
Loneliness , struck senseless,
Pain and misfortune,
Freedom of the heart.

Written September, 1991

Reflection from me….how does a teenager of 15 years feel so much, when these are meant to be the best years of our lives. What is even sadder, is not much has changed.